I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
