sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
