The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
