Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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