evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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