Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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