I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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