i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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