You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
