I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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