you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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