a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You can't special order awesome
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
