you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
did you just send me my own nude
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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