Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
