you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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