so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
