Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
