I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize