he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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