Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
