these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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