youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
His nipple licking is glorious
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
