and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
not ubering you a puppy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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