glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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