Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
