Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
