If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
