So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
