What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
