I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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