but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
