Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
