I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
