why didn't you poke me back
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
