I'm really into asian looking animals
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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