I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
