I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
