beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
