Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize