No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
