420 ftw
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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