Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
