Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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