Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
