____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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