all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
