I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize