I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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