I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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