My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
