So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
