Will you blow on my dice?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
