i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
