farters have to be the big spoon...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
