There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
