He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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