Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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